Every time I spend an afternoon taking selfies while lounging around in the nude, I can count on some degenerate with computer skills hacking my phone and posting the pictures on the Internet.
There’s the one where I’m lying on the couch all sweaty from cleaning house, my body looks like I’m oiled up and ready for my close up. I hoist a glass of iced tea, purse my lips and click, “lemme take a selfie.”
Then, I ensure the lightening is flattering. In other words, I turn off all the lights and use the illumination of a couple candles, because women over the age of 20 look best in candlelight. It’s like soft focus or subtle airbrushing for real people.
Next, I do close ups of all my best parts. A subtle curve here, a patch of goose bumps there. Maybe I get adventurous and show a little side boob. I will definitely make sure my feet are not in any of the pictures because they’re wearing the muddy boots I just came in from the garden with, which is the reason I’m naked in the first place. Covered in mud and sunscreen and bug spray. Sexy, no?
The truth: Recently stand up comic, Leslie Jones was hacked and her nude photos were part of the booty that was pinched. I love Leslie Jones, in my mind, she and I are friends, really, good friends who hang out and make each other laugh ALL THE TIME. I would defend her right to privacy like I would my own, but I have a question. How is it that all the celebrities that get hacked have nude photos of themselves? I don’t have any nude photos of myself. Even in the throes of a hot, new relationship (you all know what I mean) I have never once considered sending, or sharing parts or the whole of my naked body to anyone. Not ever.
Is there some unspoken rule that says if you’re famous you must have nude photos of yourself? I really don’t get this. Maybe I’ll ask Leslie next time we’re hanging out just kickin’ it and cracking each other up.
Note: After further consideration I was not exactly telling the whole truth. I have a nude photo of myself. Here it is. Suck it hackers.