I’m Not a Doctor But I Play One On The Internet

Woman Using Laptop

How many diseases have you diagnosed yourself with by looking at your symptoms on Dr. Google? It’s surprising any of us are alive after our self-diagnosed catalogues of illness. This is me:

  1. A bout of allergies making it harder to breathe: Lung cancer has finally me tracked down.
  1. Threw an arm out playing paddleball, tennis, or softball: Rotator cuff, probable      surgery.
  2. Stomach ailment: Crohn’s Disease. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Stomach cancer. Diverticulitis. Gall stones. Leaky gut.
  3. Acne: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
  4. Chest Pain: Heart attack. On the cusp of a widow maker.
  5. Hip Pain: Bone cancer.
  6. Strange headache: A tumor for sure.
  7. Jaw pain: TMJI. Oral cancer.

The reality:

  1. It’s harder to breathe when the pollen count is sky high.
  2. Threw out my arm playing paddleball in the pool.
  3. Shouldn’t have added Siracha to my already spicy stir-fry.
  4. My skin is pissed about all the sugar I’ve been eating.
  5. See number 3, above.
  6. Twisted leg diving onto the bed while playing tag with dog.
  7. Who forgot to drink any water yesterday?
  8. That all natural turkey jerky without artificial ingredients or added sugar is awesome but chewy AF. There’s no need to consume the entire bag.

I blame all of this illness seeking behavior on the outrageous number of television commercials aimed at Baby Boomers teaching us we’re already ill and better ask our real doctors for the right meds and fast. I also blame Dr. Google, but I love Dr. Google. How else could I pretend to diagnose my symptoms and everyone else’s without the benefit years of education and training?

How about you? What diseases have you uncovered on the knower of all things; the Internet?



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