What a Friend We Have In Cheeses


This is the largest wheel of cheese as of 2007. This amazing Gouda weighing in at more than 1,300 pounds was made in The Netherlands. Obviously. One can only imagine the giant cheese they’ve working on ever since, because the world has been waiting almost 10 years for a new “World’s largest wheel of cheese.”

Everyone loves cheese, right? There’s only one guy on the planet that seems to lean toward the less is more question when it comes to our favorite dairy product. Last week, a man in Georgia was arrested for becoming violent when he “raged” at his wife for using three slices of cheese instead of two for his grilled cheese sandwich. He spit in her face, and tore the phone off the wall when one of their kids tried to call 911. There’s no denying this raging sack of curds deserves a prison daddy for the short time he’s bound to be incarcerated, but there’s a bigger question here. How can a person have too much cheese? Humans not only consume cheese in mass quantities, we’ve created colorful phrases around this product.

I’m going to take a picture, “Say cheese.”

My boss is, “The big cheese.”

Gross, “Who cut the cheese?”

“I’m so cheesed off!”

“The cops are coming, Cheese it!” (Also the name of a great snack food. Hard telling which came first, the phrase or the crackers)

Various sources on the knower of all things, The Internet, quote cheese consumption at its highest in Greece, where they consume more than 60 pounds per person. Here in the U.S., we weigh in at a paltry 23 or so pounds per person. This is pathetic, for a country that hates to lose at anything, who could believe we’re barely eating as much cheese as the weight of a big Thanksgiving turkey? And we’re already fat, what difference does it make? The Greeks are beating us, people. And the Dutch, and the French.

We Americans need to step up our game, and forget about using sliced cheese when making our favorite sandwich. Grate and pile, people. It’s the only way to raise our average. There’s also nothing wrong with mixing. A nice sharp cheddar works really well with Gouda. Go all gourmet. Use fancy bread. Spice it up with jalapenos. There’s no wrong way to get your cheese on unless you happen to go crazy on the person nice enough to make your lunch. In which case, you need to go to jail where they serve one slice of cold cheese on stale white bread. Nom-nom. Not.

What’s all this got to do with the usual theme of jobs, work, and employment here? The job of a Cheesemonger, of course. How fun would that be? Just one more thing to add to the list of thing I haven’t done, but am considering while waiting for the new World’s largest wheel of cheese.








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